“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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Body by cheese-puffs.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Science memes