I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.