SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
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I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown