Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.