If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.