Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.