I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
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Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
File under excellent bookstore names.