The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’