[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.