I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
You Might Also Like
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
the council will decide your fate
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?