When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work