I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.