Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go