why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.