If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
when revenge coincides with naptime
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.