“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My teenage children choosing violence
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find