The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.