Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Lol
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
A Short Story.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Guy who likes music
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Hello Twits.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays