interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I saw nothing
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I am crying
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?