As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
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*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Practicing safe sax
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.