Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
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Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
President The Rock Obama
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”