I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
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Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
it must be school picture day
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy