*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
You Might Also Like
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY