[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Feels
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
*power walks to the refrigerator*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.