I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts