If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
found this cool rock hiking today
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
What my back needs
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?