Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!