CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
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Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….