Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
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[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Can Happiness buy money?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
my retirement plan is braless
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”