The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Life hack
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
This made me chuckle.