I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You Might Also Like
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
whenever i wake up before my alarm
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked