Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.