[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
You Might Also Like
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
The only equipped I am is ill.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella