“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Pizza is an emotion right?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.