*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text