My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I love it all
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do