HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You have been warned.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”