10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Grandmother clock.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Leaving the Barbers like
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.