not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
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Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u