My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Plant care tips
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!