Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
what’s really going on
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
yeah not falling for this one
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.