So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle