Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce