I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
You Might Also Like
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter