FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs