$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
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Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
my proudest tweet
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.