Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither