If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.