BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.