Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.